I would drop out of school.
I would pick up my things and go.
I would make sure that I change every aspect of myself.
I would make sure that I never make the same mistakes.
I would do something that I love.
I would do whatever it took to make sure I don’t repeat my past.
I would do anything to feel alive.
I often wonder and think about where I’ve come from, where I am, and where I will be. It’s been a journey I should say. I think this is another downhill ride that I have to go through again.
I’m scared I won’t make it this time. I have so much pent-up anger and animosity that has built up over the years and I don’t know what to do. All I ever wanted was a group of gay guys I could go to about anything. I thought I saw that in two of my closest guy friends. Things have changed..
I saw last night how much appreciated you are and how valued you were. For some reason, I just felt… this uncomfortable medium between happiness and loneliness. Happiness because at that moment, I knew that you’ve surrounded yourself with more than enough good people in your life. Letting me in would just be a headache enough. Loneliness because these were people I used to see on a daily basis. I felt alone.. I wanted to cry. I was screaming to get out but I knew if I did, I would’ve left for the wrong reasons instead of staying for the right reasons. My heart felt heavy last night. One day, I wish I could have that same feeling again. One day, I wish I could have that feeling of appreciation amongst a wealth of friends. I’m happy for you and I’m glad that you’ve truly surrounded yourself with good people. Now, I understand.. :]..
